I had 2 weeks(ish) away from knitting due to volunteer work. I didn't miss it for most of the time, and felt a tiny bit guilty towards the end and thought about what I was going to work on. It felt decidedly weird, but adult. I knew I was going to knit again no matter what happened and for a change, let myself not feel wretchedly guilty.
But within that time, I have had this small epiphany: I'm really, really, totally, honestly, truly wholeheartedly allowed to not feel guilty or bad for something that I can't do anything about - or even just because I don't want to feel guilty - today. I've known for a long while that it was true, but my brain wouldn't let me believe it or let me act on it. So much FUN.
You see, I've spent far too many years feeling like hell (sort of permanently apprehensive) because of my childhood and teenage years. Not because any of it was my direct fault - far from it, but because most of that time was spent in apprehension about how my Mother was going to behave every day (I had an ulcer from 12 to 18, so joyful). This feeling was so indoctrinated from an early age, that I didn't know it was supposed to be any different, so I carried it along with me, even after I was 23 (she died a few weeks before my 24th birthday). I suppose you could call it the mental equivalent of a habit. I got thoroughly sick and tired of it in my 30's, when I knew that a lot of my "misery" was partially self-generated, finding things to be "worried" and "anxious" about, since my psyche felt oddly "unused" if I wasn't worried about something. I was in my early 40's when I finally made a concerted effort to quit the "mental torture gymnastics" when one or two nights (not consecutive) were spent in tears trying to shut up the paranoid "voices" in my head.
- I have no diagnosis or previous activities of DPD (dissociative personality disorder) and those two nights felt like I was going insane.
I had no idea of whether my efforts were working until these last couple weeks-ish.
The following things last week tell me that they are: I had a friend brush me off and it only irritated me for a couple hours (normally I'd take it to heart and I'd analyse it to death, dig it up and analyse it some more for a few days). I could sleep without needing to go through my regular routine of relaxation. I turned the TV off so I had a quiet room to sleep in.
Now for most people, these things aren't anything to think about, but for me, it's pretty darn great. I'm hoping that I can keep it going even when I'm tired. That will be a true sign of success....
As for the knitting, well, I bought a set of Addi interchangable lace needles (short tips). I'm SO happy. I've decided that the first project I'm going to knit on them (after I've finished a project) is going to be a Muir shawl/stole with Angel 2ply yarn and delica beads as accents. Yum. Again, SO happy. I've wanted to knit this for over a year. WHEE!
I'm off. I have a stole (Raspberry Dream Stole by Dagmara) to finish up a repeat on (4 rows to complete a repeat of 34 rows - 17 pattern rows, 17 purl). There's another ball of yarn to go (hopefully I'll get another 3 repeats out of it), but it is a joy to knit. Mmmm.
Later
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